Fulfillment.

Fulfillment. Something we all want in life. We want to feel like we are doing something with our lives. We want to feel like we are making a difference. We want to have some sort of rewarding experiences.

This is something I am struggling with lately. I feel like I am doing nothing in my life. I realize in some ways that this is not true, because I am going to school so that I can someday do something. I am going to become a counselor and I do believe that that will be a truly rewarding career.

But right now, I feel like I am doing nothing. I feel like I sit on my computer all day, and the most I ever seem to do is schoolwork. Sure, sometimes I hang out with my friends and all, but honestly, I really don't do much in general. I just feel so unfulfilled. I need a job I can handle, or a hobby, or just something. I want to feel like I am doing something with my life, I want to feel like I am making some sort of difference in one way or another.

Any helps/thoughts/tips?

Always Waiting.

I feel like lately, I am always waiting. Always waiting for something to happen, for something to work out, for something to become ok. Always waiting.

One thing I am waiting for is for my manager to find us a new contract so I can get back to work. It sucks that our candidate didn't win in the elections and therefore we lost our contract. I really hope he finds something...if he doesn't I don't know what I will do. This job is perfect for me, it's a work from home and I can basically build my own hours. It's perfect for a spoonie. But I just don't know how much longer I can wait. We don't have any money, and things are getting tough. I've looked at "regular" jobs, but I just don't see myself being able to handle any of them. *sigh*

One thing I'm waiting for money for is to get a membership at a pool or a season pass to the beach. Everyone says that swimming is great exercise for fibro, and easier on the body then most other exercises. I need exercise so bad. My body is so weak, and I've gained alot of weight. I need to do something, and I feel like this is the best bet. I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive to do so. Has anyone had any luck finding cheaper ways of doing this? Will you share please?

Another thing I'm waiting for is my thyroid medication to get in and work. I was told it can take 4-6 weeks, and it's been 3 weeks today. There are some days I think it is working, because I can stay up for the whole day....but there are other days when I sleep so much it's ridiculous. I mean sure, I know I'm still going to have some fatigue due to Fibro, but my doctor seems convinced that this is going to actually make a difference, so I'm holding on to the hope. And waiting.

And as much of a downer as this makes me sound...you know what I'm waiting for the most? For things to get better. That's really all I want.

So Bad At This...

I'm so bad at updating this blog lately. I'm just so exhausted and don't ever seem to have the time or energy to do it. But it's been long enough now, so here it goes.

I got a job. I'm now a Sales Associate at Toys R Us. As far as that type of job goes, it's pretty cool, and I absolutely love the people I work with. Everyone is good friends and talks and jokes and whatnot. Makes the work environment much better, especially compared to my last job at East Coast Marketing. The only downside though is that it is EXHAUSTING me. I feel dead after every shift, and usually end up feeling sick during work. I get so tired. And tonight, my pain has been extreme. But there really isn't much I can do about it. We need the money, so I have to endure.

My doctor has put me on Savella, which I'm hoping will make some kind of difference. So far I'm not on the normal dosage yet, I'm still on the increasing dosages. Or however you word that. I haven't noticed too much change yet, though I haven't felt any negative side effects either, so that's a plus. I just hope it really does make some sort of positive difference, because honestly, I'm going crazy.

I'm also really upset that my facebook group hasn't taken off like I had hoped for it too. Don't get me wrong, many people have joined, but donations are at a minimum. I know times are hard, but I'm just so frustrated. I really really really want/need this treatment, and I just have no way of getting it. I'm not mad at anyone, just at the situation. I don't feel like its fair that I can't get the treatment that I need in order to live my life.

Well, that's it for now. Just a short update.

<3 you all!

That's The Way It Is....

Soooo I left off with Friday night being in South China after the car accident. For those of you who didn't see, here is what the car looked like after the accident:


So as you can see, that was pretty horrific. Anyways, the rest of the weekend in South China was alright. It was nice to be there, because I have so many memories of my childhood days there, but it wasn't very relaxing this time, even though that was what I truly needed. My dad just doesn't seem to grasp the concept that I am actually sick, and that I really can't do everything he expects me to do. Everytime I was trying to rest, he'd get me up and have me do something. It got quite annoying quite fast, and it really didn't help my fibro any, that's for sure. But on the positive side of life, I did get to see some friends and family that I don't get to see very often, and of course, that's always nice.

Mom came back to Portland with us so we would have a car and could get places. Her, Jackie, and I went to the mall one day, and that was fun. It was like a girls' day which is always nice. Other then that, we didn't get too much accomplished, but what did we need to get done?

The heat is killing me. It makes me feel so sick and just so blah. I literally can't take it. It's been way too much for me lately. I passed out again last night, but thankfully I didn't hit my head or anything this time. I guess there is a positive in every situation, lol.

Job search is going alright. I have some interviews lined up and such, so hopefully something works out, and hopefully I can find something that I can handle with this damn fibro! Gotta love it....only not.

I feel like I probably have alot more to say, but I just don't have the energy for now, so I'm gonna end this here.

My Life Gets Oh So Much Better....

Well my life has just continued to get even better. But let's start with the beginning.

Thursday was an ok day. I went to that job interview, and I think it went pretty well, but I still don't feel very confident about it. I didn't realize it from the ad, but its a really high-end luxury store. And I just think it wouldn't be a good fit for me, nor am I sure I could deal with such a stuffy environment. Idk, we'll wait and see if I actually get a position and worry about it then. In the meantime, I'm applying for more jobs.

Other then that, Thursday was a pretty quiet day, which was actually quite nice.

This morning I got up and went to my Reiki session. It was amazing as always. I can't get over how much better it always makes me feel, and Leslie herself is just amazing as well. She's so helpful and so great to talk to. After that, Dan and I started packing for our weekend in South China.

We got on the road and things were going fine. We were a bit over halfway there when things changed. We were just driving along on the highway and there was a car fully stopped ahead of us. No matter how hard we tried, we just could not stop in time. The brakes were slammed on but it still just wasn't enough. We hit the car in front of us which happened to be a big pickup truck. Luckily by then, we were not going TOO fast. The impact was still strong though, but luckily we weren't hurt.

To make a long story short, the towing guy took us to the garage too, and my mom came to pick us up and brought us back to South China. So now we are here, trying to make the best out of what's left of our weekend away, and trying to relax a bit before we have to deal with everything on Monday.

Well, I'm off, I'm beyond exhausted! Maybe I will actually get some sleep tonight?!

So I'm bad at this already...

So it looks as though I am bad at keeping up with this blog already, as I have missed a few days. But I'm really really really gonna try with this one, so here's another post.

I've been sick over the weekend. At first I thought it was just some cold sort of thing, because thats what the symptoms were. But then on Sunday I seemed to have a fever. According to Dan I also passed out for like 20 minutes. WTF? Why did I do that? I guess my body just couldn't handle it anymore. I seem to be feeling better in that sense today though, so thats always a plus. I'm having a high pain day though, which isn't any fun whatsoever. I really wish I had some pain meds for it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am scared of them because I really don't want to become addicted, but I can't deal with this pain either. It's making me pretty much bedridden, and I hate that more then anything. Next time I see Dr. Winn, I am putting my foot down and demanding he does a referral for a pain specialist. I just can't take this anymore.

Nice rant there, eh? I feel like so many of my blog posts have been rants, and in some ways I hate that, but seriously, where else am I supposed to bitch and moan? Well, ok, I do it on Twitter too. ;)

Other then pain, things seem to be ok. Dan and I are doing wonderfully. He always takes care of me and I don't know what I would do without him. I'm so lucky to have him. I couldn't ask for anyone better, and I couldn't ask for someone more helpful or caring. Even as I write this, he is making dinner. :)

Had a chiropractor appointment today, and things feel better then they did. I can definitely feel that my body is back in alignment where it should be, and I feel more balanced and even. I love how it feels right after the appointment, I just wish it would last longer and do more for the pain.

I have a job interview for Thursday. It's for a part time sales associate job. I'm not even sure if I can handle it, but all I know is that we desperately need the money, and if we don't do something soon we're gonna be in bigggg trouble. So I'm gonna try this. I really hope I get the job, and I really hope that I will be able to keep it.

Well, that's it for now I guess, time for some yummy dinner that Dan made. :)