Trying To Be Normal

I've been trying to be "normal" lately, as in, doing all the things that other people can do. Dan and I have been doing some crazy cleaning because my mom is coming to visit. It's so exhausting. I've been way over-doing it lately, and seem to be in a flare most of the time. But what am I to do? Things have to get done whether I can do them or not. It doesn't matter. Dan can't do it all himself either. He has joint issues so he's in pain a lot too. We just have to do it, push ourselves, and end up making ourselves worse. It's my attempt at being normal, and I'm failing drastically.

In other news, I have been shaking a lot lately, like my fingers are shaking. I don't know what's up with that. Yesterday it was so bad that I actually felt sick. I ended up eating chocolate and drinking gatorade. I wasn't sure if it was low blood sugar or dehydration, so I tried them both. One or the other, or both, worked. My guess would be dehydration, because that happens to me a lot, plus I've never had trouble with blood sugar. So idk.

I'm back in PT for my knee. I'm seeing a new therapist because the last one was horrible and didn't even believe in fibro. This one believes in it and has experience in it, so I think it'll help. He wants to try this thing called "Instrument Assisted Soft Tissue Mobilization" because my tissue is all stuck and whatnot. Sure, I don't care at this point, just make me better lol.

Ok, I guess that's it for now. Sorry it's been so long since an update, I'll try to do better.

A Letter From Fibromyalgia

A LETTER FROM FIBROMYALGIA

Dear Miserable Human Being,

Hi, my name is Fibromyalgia, and I'm an invisible chronic illness. I am now ‘velcroed’ to you for life. Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyway I please. I can cause severe pain, or if I am in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you and gave you Exhaustion. Just try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and in its place gave you Fibro Fog (a.k.a.)Brain Fog.

I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away too. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: that virus you had that you never quite recovered from, or that car accident, or childbirth, the death of a loved one, or maybe it was those years of abuse and trauma.

Well, anyway, I'm here to stay! I hear you're going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I'm ‘ROFL’ (rolling on the floor laughing)! Just try! You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. In fact, you'll see many doctors who tell you ‘it’s all in your head’ (or some version of that). If you do find a doctor willing to treat this ‘non-disease’, you will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, and energy pills. You will be told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENS unit, told if you just sleep and exercise properly, I will go away. You'll be told to think positively, poked, prodded, and most of all, you will not be taken seriously when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is for you every single day!

Your family, friends, and coworkers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I'm a debilitating disease. Some of them will say things like "Oh, you're just having a bad day", or "Well, remember, you cant expect to do the things you used to do 20 years ago," not hearing that you said "20 DAYS ago"! Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity, trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a ‘normal’ person, and can't remember what you were going to say next!

In closing, you've probably figured out that the ONLY place you will get any real support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People With Fibromyalgia! They are the only ones that will understand your complaints of unrelenting pain, insomnia, fibro fog, the inability to perform the everyday tasks that ‘normal people’ take for granted.
Remember, I'm stuck to you like Velcro – and I expect we'll be together for the rest of your life.

Have a nice day!! (ROFL),

Fibromyalgia

Life continued....

So let's see, what is new in my life?

Well, the heat nearly killed me. I felt so sick, and I passed out numerous times. Luckily, it rained this weekend and that cooled me down some. One night, Dan and I went for a walk in the rain in the park. It was amazing, and it made me feel so much better.

I went to the neurologist on Monday, and that wasn't a huge help. But seriously, why am I surprised? He did up my Lyrica though...I'm now on 225mg twice a day. I wonder if it will help? I feel like nothing ever does. I've been in so much pain lately and so tired. My knee has still been bothering me. I fell on it like 2 weeks ago, and it still bothers me alot. I don't know if I actually did some sort of damage or not, but it def feels like it.

Umm. Mike and Shawn came to visit today, and that was nice. Our friendships have been strained numerous times, but its still there, and thats always a good thing. I really do miss them on occasion, so it was really nice to see them and catch up and everything. And reminscing about old times. As much as I love the present, sometimes I really do miss the past. Sometimes I really wish I could go back. But I do love the present. Ah. It's hard to explain.

I am going to take some classes at SMCC this semester. I am taking some online classes because attendance is really hurting my grades, and with online classes I can do my work even if I am sick in bed. So I think its a good plan. Because I really don't want to give up school, no matter how hard it really is most of the time.

Ok, thats it for now. <3

That's The Way It Is....

Soooo I left off with Friday night being in South China after the car accident. For those of you who didn't see, here is what the car looked like after the accident:


So as you can see, that was pretty horrific. Anyways, the rest of the weekend in South China was alright. It was nice to be there, because I have so many memories of my childhood days there, but it wasn't very relaxing this time, even though that was what I truly needed. My dad just doesn't seem to grasp the concept that I am actually sick, and that I really can't do everything he expects me to do. Everytime I was trying to rest, he'd get me up and have me do something. It got quite annoying quite fast, and it really didn't help my fibro any, that's for sure. But on the positive side of life, I did get to see some friends and family that I don't get to see very often, and of course, that's always nice.

Mom came back to Portland with us so we would have a car and could get places. Her, Jackie, and I went to the mall one day, and that was fun. It was like a girls' day which is always nice. Other then that, we didn't get too much accomplished, but what did we need to get done?

The heat is killing me. It makes me feel so sick and just so blah. I literally can't take it. It's been way too much for me lately. I passed out again last night, but thankfully I didn't hit my head or anything this time. I guess there is a positive in every situation, lol.

Job search is going alright. I have some interviews lined up and such, so hopefully something works out, and hopefully I can find something that I can handle with this damn fibro! Gotta love it....only not.

I feel like I probably have alot more to say, but I just don't have the energy for now, so I'm gonna end this here.

Just not feeling it....

So, this morning I woke up early, (for me), and headed to Yarmouth for my Reiki session. It was amazing as always, and again, as usual, I felt so much better. I really can't believe how much Reiki really does do for me. Anyways, I bought some isotonix mixes too, which are natural supplements to help your body. I'm glad I did it, because we all know that my body can use any help it can get, but oh man, I shouldn't of because I can't afford it at all. I wrote a check for 135 dollars and some odd cents, and there was definitely not that much money in my bank account. Why did I do such a thing? Simple. Because I want to feel better. I'm sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I'm sick of not really "living." (And yes, the money is now in my account, no worries.)

But seriously. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. It sucks being only 20 years old and not being able to do things people my age do. It sucks being bedridden some days and not have a life. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hate not feeling like myself anymore and not being able to do things I used to be able. I'm only 2o years old and sometimes I feel like my life is over. This just isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but I feel like I really can't handle this anymore. It's just really started to get me depressed. I just wish, more then anything, that I could feel better, and at least feel a bit more back to normal...that would be so nice.

So other then that rant, I'm doing alright. I'm just sorta having a down sort of night.