Always Waiting.

I feel like lately, I am always waiting. Always waiting for something to happen, for something to work out, for something to become ok. Always waiting.

One thing I am waiting for is for my manager to find us a new contract so I can get back to work. It sucks that our candidate didn't win in the elections and therefore we lost our contract. I really hope he finds something...if he doesn't I don't know what I will do. This job is perfect for me, it's a work from home and I can basically build my own hours. It's perfect for a spoonie. But I just don't know how much longer I can wait. We don't have any money, and things are getting tough. I've looked at "regular" jobs, but I just don't see myself being able to handle any of them. *sigh*

One thing I'm waiting for money for is to get a membership at a pool or a season pass to the beach. Everyone says that swimming is great exercise for fibro, and easier on the body then most other exercises. I need exercise so bad. My body is so weak, and I've gained alot of weight. I need to do something, and I feel like this is the best bet. I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive to do so. Has anyone had any luck finding cheaper ways of doing this? Will you share please?

Another thing I'm waiting for is my thyroid medication to get in and work. I was told it can take 4-6 weeks, and it's been 3 weeks today. There are some days I think it is working, because I can stay up for the whole day....but there are other days when I sleep so much it's ridiculous. I mean sure, I know I'm still going to have some fatigue due to Fibro, but my doctor seems convinced that this is going to actually make a difference, so I'm holding on to the hope. And waiting.

And as much of a downer as this makes me sound...you know what I'm waiting for the most? For things to get better. That's really all I want.

Venting.

Ugh. I'm just so sick and tired of living my life like this. Like what, you may ask? Living it with fibromyalgia and all the other diagnoses I have. I honestly do feel bad saying all of this, because I know there are many people in this world who are worse off then me, and it makes me feel guilty, but at this point, I just can't help it.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of people not understanding what I'm going through and not believing that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm tired of being 21 and feeling like I am at least 80 most days. I'm tired of not being able to go out and have a good time without paying for it later. I'm tired of constantly being in so much pain. I'm tired of being so tired that sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I'm just so worn out...both physically and emotionally.

My life really isn't my own anymore. It's like its been taken over by some kind of horrible monster, and it's left me with this, which some days I really can't even call a life. And I try to hold on to hope that someday it will get better, and maybe someday they will find some kind of effective treatment. But really, what if they don't? Do I really have to live like this for the rest of my life? I don't want to. I really want my life back, is that really too much to ask? Sometimes I feel like it is, since it never happens.

I try to be a positive person, I really do. And I try to stay strong. But it's hard to do these things when you're faced with all of this. Sometimes, I just can't help but get down about it. I mean, who wouldn't? It's so hard to be upbeat and act like everything is going to be ok when you really don't know that. Sure some things will be ok but I will always have these problems. It will always be like this for me. How can that NOT get me down?

I'm trying, I really am. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm not strong enough for all of this anymore.