Ignorance.

So I had a Neurologist appointment today, and this is the guy who is supposed to be an "expert" in all of this sort of stuff, meaning fibro and all.

First off, I waited for 40 minutes because he was behind. (As per usual.) He finally comes in and asked me how I was doing and blah blah blah. He then told me to keep moving and keep pushing myself because my body will get used to it and build tolerance. And that was pretty much it. Literally a 5 minute appointment.

Now, the whole pushing yourself so that your body builds tolerance thing makes sense for the normal person. But let me say, if you know anything about fibro, you are NOT supposed to overdo it, because you can make yourself sicker. Or even worse, hurt yourself. What does this guy think? Does he really know NOTHING about fibro? Is he really that ignorant?

I guess its time to do some doctor searching again. *sigh*

I love this quote.

Disappointed.

Last night, I sat and watched/read the poll results as they came in. I saw in disbelief people in this state reject gay marriage. I watched the numbers creep in, and became more and more sick as they did.

I am disappointed in my state, the people in it. How can you be so cold? Does equality mean nothing to you? Do you really not think that everyone should be treated equal? Shouldn't mariage be more about love then what genders the couples are? And why should you even have a say as to whether someone can get married or not? What gives you that right anyways? How can you take away a right that everyone should be able to have? Do you not care how many hearts you are breaking? You know, when it comes right down to it, I think that's part of the problem. I really think you don't care. You're selfish. As long as it doesn't effect you, you just really don't care.

I've never been so ashamed to be from Maine. But rest assured, I DID #VoteNoOn1.

Frustrated

Oh man. Frustrated isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I'm feeling right now. But I'm not sure if I can even come up with a word that IS strong enough.

This week has been the week from hell. And it's only Wednesday. It needs to stop. Like right now. I honestly don't know how much more of I can take. I just really really really don't know. I've been in SO much pain and SO tired and just generally miserable. It's been like this since Sunday. And today with the rain it's been even worse.

I went to the doctor today, which was not much help as usual. He is just stumped and doesn't know what else to do. I have either been on or am on everything he can think of, not just including FDA approved fibro meds.

Too much pain to even finish this. Just wanted to quickly update.

<3

Unwell - Matchbox 20

[This song was not written about someone with a chronic illness, but if you look at it from that point of view, it definitely makes alot of sense. Or maybe that's just me.]

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

October 19, 2003

October 19, 2003. It was a bit over a month into my freshman year of High School, and it was the day my life would change forever.

It was my best friend's birthday. She had been going through a really hard time lately, and I was hoping that our birthday plans would cheer her up.It was a Sunday, so we had no school, but we agreed that I'd come over early and we'd get ready together. I went to her house, and knocked on the door. All I heard was screaming. Scared, I opened the door and went inside. There, I found her mother in hysterics. I asked what was wrong. She couldn't even speak, she just handed me a piece of paper.

I took the paper and hurriedly read what it said. I dropped to the floor and cried. It was a suicide note from my best friend. Apparently, her mom had found her upstairs only moments before I arrived. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. Even though I knew her mother would never do such a thing, I still thought she was playing some kind of horrible, cruel joke on me. But of course, she wasn't.

I broke down. I just couldn't take it. My best friend was gone. The one who was always there. The one who helped me through everything. The one who always seemed so strong. The one who was always so happy. The one who had taught me so much about life, and had helped shape me into who I was. Gone. It wasn't fair. If she wasn't living, why should I? I have to admit, for a while after her death, I tried to follow in her footsteps.

Its been 6 years now, and the pain still hasn't ceased. To be honest, I don't think it ever will. I still have emotions of guilt, wondering why I couldn't save her.I'm still mad at myself for not knowing the situation was that bad and for not helping her. I still wonder why. But most of all, I just miss her and wish more then anything that she was still here.

And for those of you who say that I care too much, or am overbearing, maybe now you will know why. Having gone through this, it has made me very protective of my friends, and made me always try to help everyone, no matter what the situation. See, I am scared. I'm scared that it will happen again someday. It has taught me that you can never expect something like this. So THAT is why I am the way I am today.

RIP love, you will always have a special place in my heart, and I will never forget you. Without you having been here, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I can't wait to be with you again someday. I love you and miss you more then anything.

Lyrica/Neurontin Update

Well, I don't really know where to start here, but I guess I'm gonna start with Saturday. By Saturday, I was mostly recovered from the flu, but I was having horrible horrible pains in my legs, and it was more like nerve pain, completely with burning, tingling, etc. It was really bad and I didn't know what to do about it. I dealt with it on Saturday, but mainly because I just hoped it would go away because I didn't want to go the ER, because they usually just dismiss everything as fibro anyways.

But on Sunday, I woke up and it was even worse, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I ended up in the ER anyways. The doctor said it did seem like nerve pain but he didn't know what to do for it since I was already on Lyrica. I basically told him that obviously the Lyrica wasn't working right and there had to be SOMETHING he could do. So then reluctantly (I say this because thats how he sounded) prescribed Neurontin. I went to Rite Aid to get it filled, and made sure I double checked with the pharmacist to make sure I could take both Lyrica and Neurontin at the same time, and it all checked out ok. So I started taking it that night, and woah what a difference! The pain got much better along with the other symptoms, and it even helped me sleep!

So on Tuesday, (Remember, Monday was a holiday) I called my neurologist's office to tell him about all that had happened. He didn't think it was necessary for me to be on both medications, and since he apparently likes Lyrica better, he decided to just up that. I wasn't very happy with that decision since the Neurontin seemed to be helping more, so I called yet again, and he finally agreed.

Tuesday night, I stop taking Lyrica and took Neurontin instead. Wednesday I slept most of the day, but don't really think much of it because that happens sometimes with my fibro flares. However, when I did end up being awake that evening, I was horribly depressed/anxious and wasn't even really sure why. And it was really bad, like including crying fits. And then I was like that on Thursday most of the day too. WTF?

Same with today. But today Dan and I realized that it must be the stopping of the Lyrica, and then it's like a withdrawal or something of some sort. I don't know. But its really bad, and tonight I just decided I couldn't take it anymore and took a Lyrica to see if the theory was correct. It was. I feel much better now, still upset about the same things as I was, but I'm not a wreck at all. Not sure what I am going to do about this for the rest of the weekend, but I know for a fact that I am calling my doctor next week to see what can be done.

Well, there's the update on my life. Hope all is well <3