October 19, 2003

October 19, 2003. It was a bit over a month into my freshman year of High School, and it was the day my life would change forever.

It was my best friend's birthday. She had been going through a really hard time lately, and I was hoping that our birthday plans would cheer her up.It was a Sunday, so we had no school, but we agreed that I'd come over early and we'd get ready together. I went to her house, and knocked on the door. All I heard was screaming. Scared, I opened the door and went inside. There, I found her mother in hysterics. I asked what was wrong. She couldn't even speak, she just handed me a piece of paper.

I took the paper and hurriedly read what it said. I dropped to the floor and cried. It was a suicide note from my best friend. Apparently, her mom had found her upstairs only moments before I arrived. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. Even though I knew her mother would never do such a thing, I still thought she was playing some kind of horrible, cruel joke on me. But of course, she wasn't.

I broke down. I just couldn't take it. My best friend was gone. The one who was always there. The one who helped me through everything. The one who always seemed so strong. The one who was always so happy. The one who had taught me so much about life, and had helped shape me into who I was. Gone. It wasn't fair. If she wasn't living, why should I? I have to admit, for a while after her death, I tried to follow in her footsteps.

Its been 6 years now, and the pain still hasn't ceased. To be honest, I don't think it ever will. I still have emotions of guilt, wondering why I couldn't save her.I'm still mad at myself for not knowing the situation was that bad and for not helping her. I still wonder why. But most of all, I just miss her and wish more then anything that she was still here.

And for those of you who say that I care too much, or am overbearing, maybe now you will know why. Having gone through this, it has made me very protective of my friends, and made me always try to help everyone, no matter what the situation. See, I am scared. I'm scared that it will happen again someday. It has taught me that you can never expect something like this. So THAT is why I am the way I am today.

RIP love, you will always have a special place in my heart, and I will never forget you. Without you having been here, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I can't wait to be with you again someday. I love you and miss you more then anything.